Waves

I forget that as you first step into the ocean that is when the waves are the biggest; then once you get through the shallow parts and get deeper into the ocean it becomes calm. 

Is this what I am experiencing? The waves crashing into me, making it hard for me to keep walking; because I do feel like I got hit by a truck. 

The second week of school is about to come to an end and all I can think of is, "I do not know how I am going to make it."

I am drained, beyond drained... 

I am sitting here and anxiety is creeping up on me and I am fighting it. 

I have been ministering and haven't been ministered to. 

I have doubts - did I hear from the Lord clearly? Did He really tell me to quit my job? Did He really confirm it through all the people and through His word? Did I make it where it looked like He confirmed it?

I feel like a mess. 

My flesh is screaming  "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! YOU ARE STUPID!" but that is my flesh, who I can not trust. The spirit is saying "It is going to be okay, I love you. You can trust Me." 

I feel like I am drowning... "Keep my eyes above the waves" 

The waves of my flesh, the waves of attack from the enemy, the waves of the world around me. I look up to where my help comes from.

Last night I was walking home after a long, long, long, exhausting day at around 10:30pm and then the thoughts come "Moments like these makes me wish I had a boyfriend/husband to run to. To cry and to talk too, while in his arms." I quickly rebuked that thought and spoke against the enemy. I am to run to my Savior, to my God for comfort and peace. He is the one I can cry and complain too. He is the only one who could and can ever satisfy my heavy heart and fill my drained spirit. 

Then this morning, I woke up depressed - just like last Thursday!

It is crazy how the enemy knows me. Depression is something I always struggled with, it likes to overcome me and try to drown me in its lies. I could not get out of bed this morning and just wouldn't completely wake up. I couldn't do anything, all I wanted to do was hide under my blankets and run away from this life. Having depressing thoughts. Then I sat up, grabbed my bible, read and pray. It is funny how the demons run. 

Now clearly from above, I am struggling with anxiety and confusion. I like to over think things, to analyze. The past few hours I been struggling with these thoughts about getting a full time job again, a part time job, how am I going to pay next month's rent and bills? How am I going to fill my gas tank later this week. I can not drive people anymore to church on Saturday. I can not do this and that. SO MUCH. Then walks in the desire of wanting to marry only a rich man - when in reality I don't want. I just want the money, so I do not have to live like this anymore! Can you tell how selfish I am?! It makes me angry that these thoughts come to me! I want to marry a man who is so in love with Jesus. I want to marry a man who serves. I want to marry a man who loves. I want to marry a man who can live cheap like me ;) I want to marry a man who is laid back. I want to marry a man with a father's heart. I want to marry a man who is hard working. I want to marry a man who perseveres. 

ALL THESE WAVES!!!!!!! After rebuking one, another one likes to come, one after another. 

I need Jesus to come and rebuke all the waves for me, to clam this sea. To bring peace back into my day. Take away this fear that is trying to consume me.

I am Peter today, my faith has failed me and I need Jesus to come lift me out of the water.