Fish Bites

Today I danced for the Lord today, for the first time in about two years.
While I was dancing, this video came back to memory and I heard the Lord say "As you are dancing for me, you are missing the attacks and beating up the demons"

It has been a tough week, a tough few sleepless nights.
I struggled a lot with sin and with a lot of anxieties every single night. Once asleep, they taunted me. Waking they were still there breathing down my neck, speaking into my ears, into my life.

You would think it wouldn't take me a few days to figure out what the hell was going on since I am into all the demonic- angels/spiritual realm stuff.  But it did. They blinded me, they confused me, I felt clouded, I was drowning. The fish were there biting me. I could feel every single bite. Every lie, every struggle, every fantasy.

I felt ashamed and wouldn't go before the Lord. I couldn't believe I slipped up again. I was running away with the thoughts of my future with a guy I barely know and probably will never go on a date with. I was choosing movies, Facebook, and etc over spending time with the Lord. I even picked Christian Fiction books over The Word of Life!

Then today, I sat down turned on some music, opened my bible and the book that we are going through at BSM to study what I need to lead tomorrow at small group. Then it started, I just started dancing in my chair, my hand and arms were moving in dance like fashion. I really do not know when it started, I had gotten lost in the music and then I came to a realization that my arms were moving. I got up moved everything to make room to dance. Then I was set lose and oh the freedom that came! I danced for an hour straight!

I know some demons got hit, some were taken down and I know that I was given more power. Some thoughts would come toward me, I heard them but I sang out truth over them. I kicked every fish away, I kicked those attacks.

I know that dancing will be a vital weapon for this season in my life. For the things to come. This is just the beginning and there is bigger things to come. The deeper you go into the ocean - the bigger the creatures are, the bigger their bites, the bigger the attacks, the bigger the waves become, the bigger the storms are, the more damage that can be done.

If I do not keep my eyes on the Lord, if I do not have faith, if I get distracted, I will fall into the water, I will be prone to the things under.
When storms come, those waves will tower.

Pray for me. 

Waves

I forget that as you first step into the ocean that is when the waves are the biggest; then once you get through the shallow parts and get deeper into the ocean it becomes calm. 

Is this what I am experiencing? The waves crashing into me, making it hard for me to keep walking; because I do feel like I got hit by a truck. 

The second week of school is about to come to an end and all I can think of is, "I do not know how I am going to make it."

I am drained, beyond drained... 

I am sitting here and anxiety is creeping up on me and I am fighting it. 

I have been ministering and haven't been ministered to. 

I have doubts - did I hear from the Lord clearly? Did He really tell me to quit my job? Did He really confirm it through all the people and through His word? Did I make it where it looked like He confirmed it?

I feel like a mess. 

My flesh is screaming  "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! YOU ARE STUPID!" but that is my flesh, who I can not trust. The spirit is saying "It is going to be okay, I love you. You can trust Me." 

I feel like I am drowning... "Keep my eyes above the waves" 

The waves of my flesh, the waves of attack from the enemy, the waves of the world around me. I look up to where my help comes from.

Last night I was walking home after a long, long, long, exhausting day at around 10:30pm and then the thoughts come "Moments like these makes me wish I had a boyfriend/husband to run to. To cry and to talk too, while in his arms." I quickly rebuked that thought and spoke against the enemy. I am to run to my Savior, to my God for comfort and peace. He is the one I can cry and complain too. He is the only one who could and can ever satisfy my heavy heart and fill my drained spirit. 

Then this morning, I woke up depressed - just like last Thursday!

It is crazy how the enemy knows me. Depression is something I always struggled with, it likes to overcome me and try to drown me in its lies. I could not get out of bed this morning and just wouldn't completely wake up. I couldn't do anything, all I wanted to do was hide under my blankets and run away from this life. Having depressing thoughts. Then I sat up, grabbed my bible, read and pray. It is funny how the demons run. 

Now clearly from above, I am struggling with anxiety and confusion. I like to over think things, to analyze. The past few hours I been struggling with these thoughts about getting a full time job again, a part time job, how am I going to pay next month's rent and bills? How am I going to fill my gas tank later this week. I can not drive people anymore to church on Saturday. I can not do this and that. SO MUCH. Then walks in the desire of wanting to marry only a rich man - when in reality I don't want. I just want the money, so I do not have to live like this anymore! Can you tell how selfish I am?! It makes me angry that these thoughts come to me! I want to marry a man who is so in love with Jesus. I want to marry a man who serves. I want to marry a man who loves. I want to marry a man who can live cheap like me ;) I want to marry a man who is laid back. I want to marry a man with a father's heart. I want to marry a man who is hard working. I want to marry a man who perseveres. 

ALL THESE WAVES!!!!!!! After rebuking one, another one likes to come, one after another. 

I need Jesus to come and rebuke all the waves for me, to clam this sea. To bring peace back into my day. Take away this fear that is trying to consume me.

I am Peter today, my faith has failed me and I need Jesus to come lift me out of the water.