Rent.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

A year ago my non Christian roommate came to me when I was going through a pit in life and gave me this paper that had this scripture, one of the only scriptures she knows. Last night I found it in my new journal (do not know how it got in there) and of course, it hit home.

In August the Lord called me to quit my job, “to labor in rest”. I had became a Martha, activity after activity, work after work, school after school, I started losing sight of who I was. I started to get burnt out, I forced myself to go to church, to go BSM, to still go after the Lord; because through all of that I knew He was real, I knew I could never go back to my old life, I just couldn’t turn my back away from the Lord. I finally hit that rock bottom, I really did lose my identity, I really did question God, I really struggled to keep going, I hit depression again. Then one day my friend and I went on a spontaneous trip to Beaver’s Bend for two days in July. It was so from the Lord, all I wanted that summer was to go on a camping trip – It happened. The weather was in the 80’s, sunshine for both days and the evenings were in the 60’s, THAT WAS SO FROM THE LORD. While we were there the Lord broke my heart, He showed me that I had become a Martha, I was not walking in the identity He meant for me to have, MARY. He reminded me that He named me Mary for a reason, the day of my birth was no accident and that I happened to be a girl not a boy like my family thought I would be. I was named Mary because I was to always be at His feet, to learn from Him, to be so close to Him like Mary was; which has always been the desire of my heart.

So I quit my job in August.

This journey has been hard; the first few months were nothing, I still had money in the bank. This month however, November, has where the ickyness started.

“You said you would, provide. Where are you?”
“You knew my rent was due by Monday, why didn't you provide for it?”
“Where are you in all of this Lord?”
“Did I really hear from you about quitting my job?”
“Do you even care about me?”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“You better have my rent paid for by Tuesday, when my payment plan is due.”
“I am so angry, so angry at Him, Lauren, so angry.”
“You said you were faithful in all your words and kind in all your works. I see nothing.”

Those are the few things I said in just the past two weeks, TWO WEEKS. Oh how quick I turn from God, oh how quick I fall back to slavery. Oh how little faith I have. Oh how I lose my joy. Oh how quick I am to forget His words and everything He has already done for me.

Last night, when I pulled that scripture out the Lord was so sweet at rebuking me. It was 2am and that is where it all hit me. Sitting there in my bed, crying He came to me and loved me oh so sweetly. The way He took that fear and doubt away so quickly. I still do not have rent paid for but I trust in Him more than anything. How quickly I forgot that not only is He my King, my God but He is my Father; He doesn’t miss a thing in my life.

I look like I have my life together and I might compared to others, but I don’t. This morning, I had to go to the apartment complex office and put myself on a payment plan, for the next two months. Where is God? Why would I have to be on a payment plan, if God promised He would provide? He is here with me, telling me everything is going to be okay, He has something up His sleeve. He is showing me that His timing is not my timing. Teaching me to put away my pride and always ask for help. He is growing my faith, he is teaching me to trust in Him without borders. It showed me how bad I am at not meditating on His word and all the things He has done in the past for me.

Let me tell you my first world problems with my clothes. My right shoe is slowly ripping at the toe, the pants I am wearing – well the zipper is broken so I had to sew up that part of the pants, the tank I am wearing has holes in it, so does the long sleeve on top. The coat is missing a button, the pocket is coming off and the thread is threatening to start coming out. I still will wear what I have on in confidence. Why? Because I have clothes to wear and a roof over my head still. I am THANKFUL.

Just like my clothes are falling apart, my life is too but you know what, He is just refining me, breaking me. One day I will have new clothes, but those clothes do not define who I am. Like my clothes that are falling apart, He is destroying the icky parts of me. When this season is over I will be at another level of Glory. I will walk in a new confidence.

I sit here in the prayer room, knowing that I have chosen the better thing in life. I have chosen to say “Yes” to His calling in my life. I have chosen to sit before Him and know Him.

I do not know how He is going to pay for my rent or any of the bills that are about to start popping up. I do know that He won’t forsake me, I know He will be faithful in His words, I know He is kind in all His works, I know He never fails, I know He sees and knows, I know He loves me and I know He is my Daddy. 

Mary

"I say goodbye to my father, my mother,I turn my back on every other lover,
and I Press on, yes I press on."
~Misty Edwards

Fish Bites

Today I danced for the Lord today, for the first time in about two years.
While I was dancing, this video came back to memory and I heard the Lord say "As you are dancing for me, you are missing the attacks and beating up the demons"

It has been a tough week, a tough few sleepless nights.
I struggled a lot with sin and with a lot of anxieties every single night. Once asleep, they taunted me. Waking they were still there breathing down my neck, speaking into my ears, into my life.

You would think it wouldn't take me a few days to figure out what the hell was going on since I am into all the demonic- angels/spiritual realm stuff.  But it did. They blinded me, they confused me, I felt clouded, I was drowning. The fish were there biting me. I could feel every single bite. Every lie, every struggle, every fantasy.

I felt ashamed and wouldn't go before the Lord. I couldn't believe I slipped up again. I was running away with the thoughts of my future with a guy I barely know and probably will never go on a date with. I was choosing movies, Facebook, and etc over spending time with the Lord. I even picked Christian Fiction books over The Word of Life!

Then today, I sat down turned on some music, opened my bible and the book that we are going through at BSM to study what I need to lead tomorrow at small group. Then it started, I just started dancing in my chair, my hand and arms were moving in dance like fashion. I really do not know when it started, I had gotten lost in the music and then I came to a realization that my arms were moving. I got up moved everything to make room to dance. Then I was set lose and oh the freedom that came! I danced for an hour straight!

I know some demons got hit, some were taken down and I know that I was given more power. Some thoughts would come toward me, I heard them but I sang out truth over them. I kicked every fish away, I kicked those attacks.

I know that dancing will be a vital weapon for this season in my life. For the things to come. This is just the beginning and there is bigger things to come. The deeper you go into the ocean - the bigger the creatures are, the bigger their bites, the bigger the attacks, the bigger the waves become, the bigger the storms are, the more damage that can be done.

If I do not keep my eyes on the Lord, if I do not have faith, if I get distracted, I will fall into the water, I will be prone to the things under.
When storms come, those waves will tower.

Pray for me. 

Waves

I forget that as you first step into the ocean that is when the waves are the biggest; then once you get through the shallow parts and get deeper into the ocean it becomes calm. 

Is this what I am experiencing? The waves crashing into me, making it hard for me to keep walking; because I do feel like I got hit by a truck. 

The second week of school is about to come to an end and all I can think of is, "I do not know how I am going to make it."

I am drained, beyond drained... 

I am sitting here and anxiety is creeping up on me and I am fighting it. 

I have been ministering and haven't been ministered to. 

I have doubts - did I hear from the Lord clearly? Did He really tell me to quit my job? Did He really confirm it through all the people and through His word? Did I make it where it looked like He confirmed it?

I feel like a mess. 

My flesh is screaming  "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! YOU ARE STUPID!" but that is my flesh, who I can not trust. The spirit is saying "It is going to be okay, I love you. You can trust Me." 

I feel like I am drowning... "Keep my eyes above the waves" 

The waves of my flesh, the waves of attack from the enemy, the waves of the world around me. I look up to where my help comes from.

Last night I was walking home after a long, long, long, exhausting day at around 10:30pm and then the thoughts come "Moments like these makes me wish I had a boyfriend/husband to run to. To cry and to talk too, while in his arms." I quickly rebuked that thought and spoke against the enemy. I am to run to my Savior, to my God for comfort and peace. He is the one I can cry and complain too. He is the only one who could and can ever satisfy my heavy heart and fill my drained spirit. 

Then this morning, I woke up depressed - just like last Thursday!

It is crazy how the enemy knows me. Depression is something I always struggled with, it likes to overcome me and try to drown me in its lies. I could not get out of bed this morning and just wouldn't completely wake up. I couldn't do anything, all I wanted to do was hide under my blankets and run away from this life. Having depressing thoughts. Then I sat up, grabbed my bible, read and pray. It is funny how the demons run. 

Now clearly from above, I am struggling with anxiety and confusion. I like to over think things, to analyze. The past few hours I been struggling with these thoughts about getting a full time job again, a part time job, how am I going to pay next month's rent and bills? How am I going to fill my gas tank later this week. I can not drive people anymore to church on Saturday. I can not do this and that. SO MUCH. Then walks in the desire of wanting to marry only a rich man - when in reality I don't want. I just want the money, so I do not have to live like this anymore! Can you tell how selfish I am?! It makes me angry that these thoughts come to me! I want to marry a man who is so in love with Jesus. I want to marry a man who serves. I want to marry a man who loves. I want to marry a man who can live cheap like me ;) I want to marry a man who is laid back. I want to marry a man with a father's heart. I want to marry a man who is hard working. I want to marry a man who perseveres. 

ALL THESE WAVES!!!!!!! After rebuking one, another one likes to come, one after another. 

I need Jesus to come and rebuke all the waves for me, to clam this sea. To bring peace back into my day. Take away this fear that is trying to consume me.

I am Peter today, my faith has failed me and I need Jesus to come lift me out of the water. 

Oceans

When you step into the ocean, away from the sand that is firm on the dry land, you walk out in faith.

You do not know what is out there, you do not know whats in the water, what is coming towards you, you do not know where the ground will dip, you have to trust your feet and the ocean floor. 

One thing people do not know about me is that I am scared of the ocean (now you know), if I go in I won't go past my hips, someone has to be with me holding my hand and even then I have this horrible anxiety consuming me. I am afraid of the ocean and the great unknown that is beneath the surface of the water. Watching Shark Week last week didn't help either, probably won't go in now past my knees.

This summer has been an adventure, a hard one but a good one. I was burnt out, I was consumed with activities, I was lost, I was confused, I was depressed, I wanted to quit this Christian walk. But of course God is faithful, so good, loving, and ever so sweet that He wouldn't stop chasing after me. He made sure I knew He was there and had greater plans for me. He brought people and things that showed me what was going on in the spiritual realm and in my life that made me feel this way. He started a new journey through this. He brought me to the starting line of a new glory, a new revelation that will take me deeper into His courts.

He called me to quit my job.

I pay for mostly everything, my rent, education, bills, groceries and etc; I am dependent on having a job. 

I have quit my job, I said yes to God.

During school, on the days I do not have class I will be at the Upper Room from morning to evening. I will be meditating on His words, ways and love. As I sit there reading my psychology textbooks, He has promised to reveal to me His wisdom on this subject; as I sit there meditating on His words, He has promised I will become more like Him; as I sit there worshiping, He has promised I will get to see His Glory. 

I do not worry for the days to come, I laugh because oh the joy that will come from this season! 

I do not know where the money is going to come from! I do not know how I am going to get it! But one thing I know is that He is faithful, I know He is my daddy, I know the treasures of Heaven are opened to me, I know He sees and I know I no longer have to worry.

"I already paid the price. Now labor in rest" (The words that were being sung at a worship set, just as I was walking in having anxiety over paying textbooks.) He is such a good Father, such a mighty God, such a beautiful Savior, a faithful Lover.

You call me out out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail 

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be by guide
Where feet may fail an fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

The Lord called me to overcome one of my greatest fear - the ocean. The difference though is that instead of walking into the ocean, I will be walking upon the waters, walking above everything that is in the deeps.  The great unknown below me, but I know that I will get to look down and see His creation underneath me, He will show me His beauty and will reveal to me who He is through them. 

No job, it is all I have known, I always worried about not having enough money to pay for bills or having groceries. To always work for everything I needed and wanted. To sustain myself. 

I know that as I walk deeper upon the ocean, I will probably become fearful, I might screw up and I probably will do a Peter; I will start to sink. The devil will try to remind me of my fears, the sharks, jellyfish and etc will surround me, I will be vulnerable to them. But God won't fail me, He will protect me and when I call out to Him, He will come and lift me out of the waters. I will meditate on His good works, I will worship Him and Thank Him.  He has already shown His faithfulness by providing for a payment for a leaders retreat that I didn't have money for.

I will call upon Your name 
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

I know there will be waves and disturbance in this walk, I do not know the storms that are to come in this season, and the friction below in the ocean deep that cause waves. However, I know I will keep my eyes on where my help comes from and I know that Jesus will walk me straight through the waves as if it were nothing, that I can be confident in His love for me. For if He is my Love, I am His bride, and he died for me then I know I can trust Him in His faithfulness to walk me through the waves, to calm the seas and to protect me.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

The Holy Spirit is what has guided me to this season and had me stepping into fully trusting the Lord (always struggled with fully trusting in Him), but to know that I can trust the Lord and that the ways He will provide and reveal Himself is without borders. The Holy Spirit will still guide me to where ever He has called me, the decisions I make about grad school, the college and subject to study. He will guide me to my Husband, He will show me the Heavens and much more. He will guide me deeper into the inner courts, where I will known my Savior.

I AM EXCITED!