A year ago my non Christian roommate came to me when I was going through a pit in life and gave me this paper that had this scripture, one of the only scriptures she knows. Last night I found it in my new journal (do not know how it got in there) and of course, it hit home.
In August the Lord called me to quit my job, “to labor in rest”. I had became a Martha, activity after activity, work after work, school after school, I started losing sight of who I was. I started to get burnt out, I forced myself to go to church, to go BSM, to still go after the Lord; because through all of that I knew He was real, I knew I could never go back to my old life, I just couldn’t turn my back away from the Lord. I finally hit that rock bottom, I really did lose my identity, I really did question God, I really struggled to keep going, I hit depression again. Then one day my friend and I went on a spontaneous trip to Beaver’s Bend for two days in July. It was so from the Lord, all I wanted that summer was to go on a camping trip – It happened. The weather was in the 80’s, sunshine for both days and the evenings were in the 60’s, THAT WAS SO FROM THE LORD. While we were there the Lord broke my heart, He showed me that I had become a Martha, I was not walking in the identity He meant for me to have, MARY. He reminded me that He named me Mary for a reason, the day of my birth was no accident and that I happened to be a girl not a boy like my family thought I would be. I was named Mary because I was to always be at His feet, to learn from Him, to be so close to Him like Mary was; which has always been the desire of my heart.
So I quit my job in August.
This journey has been hard; the first few months were nothing, I still had money in the bank. This month however, November, has where the ickyness started.
“You said you would, provide. Where are you?”
“You knew my rent was due by Monday, why didn't you provide for it?”
“Where are you in all of this Lord?”
“Did I really hear from you about quitting my job?”
“Do you even care about me?”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“You better have my rent paid for by Tuesday, when my payment plan is due.”
“I am so angry, so angry at Him, Lauren, so angry.”
“You said you were faithful in all your words and kind in all your works. I see nothing.”
Those are the few things I said in just the past two weeks, TWO WEEKS. Oh how quick I turn from God, oh how quick I fall back to slavery. Oh how little faith I have. Oh how I lose my joy. Oh how quick I am to forget His words and everything He has already done for me.
Last night, when I pulled that scripture out the Lord was so sweet at rebuking me. It was 2am and that is where it all hit me. Sitting there in my bed, crying He came to me and loved me oh so sweetly. The way He took that fear and doubt away so quickly. I still do not have rent paid for but I trust in Him more than anything. How quickly I forgot that not only is He my King, my God but He is my Father; He doesn’t miss a thing in my life.
I look like I have my life together and I might compared to others, but I don’t. This morning, I had to go to the apartment complex office and put myself on a payment plan, for the next two months. Where is God? Why would I have to be on a payment plan, if God promised He would provide? He is here with me, telling me everything is going to be okay, He has something up His sleeve. He is showing me that His timing is not my timing. Teaching me to put away my pride and always ask for help. He is growing my faith, he is teaching me to trust in Him without borders. It showed me how bad I am at not meditating on His word and all the things He has done in the past for me.
Let me tell you my first world problems with my clothes. My right shoe is slowly ripping at the toe, the pants I am wearing – well the zipper is broken so I had to sew up that part of the pants, the tank I am wearing has holes in it, so does the long sleeve on top. The coat is missing a button, the pocket is coming off and the thread is threatening to start coming out. I still will wear what I have on in confidence. Why? Because I have clothes to wear and a roof over my head still. I am THANKFUL.
Just like my clothes are falling apart, my life is too but you know what, He is just refining me, breaking me. One day I will have new clothes, but those clothes do not define who I am. Like my clothes that are falling apart, He is destroying the icky parts of me. When this season is over I will be at another level of Glory. I will walk in a new confidence.
I sit here in the prayer room, knowing that I have chosen the better thing in life. I have chosen to say “Yes” to His calling in my life. I have chosen to sit before Him and know Him.
I do not know how He is going to pay for my rent or any of the bills that are about to start popping up. I do know that He won’t forsake me, I know He will be faithful in His words, I know He is kind in all His works, I know He never fails, I know He sees and knows, I know He loves me and I know He is my Daddy.
"I say goodbye to my father, my mother,I turn my back on every other lover,
and I Press on, yes I press on."
~Misty Edwards
“You said you would, provide. Where are you?”
“You knew my rent was due by Monday, why didn't you provide for it?”
“Where are you in all of this Lord?”
“Did I really hear from you about quitting my job?”
“Do you even care about me?”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“You better have my rent paid for by Tuesday, when my payment plan is due.”
“I am so angry, so angry at Him, Lauren, so angry.”
“You said you were faithful in all your words and kind in all your works. I see nothing.”
Those are the few things I said in just the past two weeks, TWO WEEKS. Oh how quick I turn from God, oh how quick I fall back to slavery. Oh how little faith I have. Oh how I lose my joy. Oh how quick I am to forget His words and everything He has already done for me.
Last night, when I pulled that scripture out the Lord was so sweet at rebuking me. It was 2am and that is where it all hit me. Sitting there in my bed, crying He came to me and loved me oh so sweetly. The way He took that fear and doubt away so quickly. I still do not have rent paid for but I trust in Him more than anything. How quickly I forgot that not only is He my King, my God but He is my Father; He doesn’t miss a thing in my life.
I look like I have my life together and I might compared to others, but I don’t. This morning, I had to go to the apartment complex office and put myself on a payment plan, for the next two months. Where is God? Why would I have to be on a payment plan, if God promised He would provide? He is here with me, telling me everything is going to be okay, He has something up His sleeve. He is showing me that His timing is not my timing. Teaching me to put away my pride and always ask for help. He is growing my faith, he is teaching me to trust in Him without borders. It showed me how bad I am at not meditating on His word and all the things He has done in the past for me.
Let me tell you my first world problems with my clothes. My right shoe is slowly ripping at the toe, the pants I am wearing – well the zipper is broken so I had to sew up that part of the pants, the tank I am wearing has holes in it, so does the long sleeve on top. The coat is missing a button, the pocket is coming off and the thread is threatening to start coming out. I still will wear what I have on in confidence. Why? Because I have clothes to wear and a roof over my head still. I am THANKFUL.
Just like my clothes are falling apart, my life is too but you know what, He is just refining me, breaking me. One day I will have new clothes, but those clothes do not define who I am. Like my clothes that are falling apart, He is destroying the icky parts of me. When this season is over I will be at another level of Glory. I will walk in a new confidence.
I sit here in the prayer room, knowing that I have chosen the better thing in life. I have chosen to say “Yes” to His calling in my life. I have chosen to sit before Him and know Him.
I do not know how He is going to pay for my rent or any of the bills that are about to start popping up. I do know that He won’t forsake me, I know He will be faithful in His words, I know He is kind in all His works, I know He never fails, I know He sees and knows, I know He loves me and I know He is my Daddy.
Mary
"I say goodbye to my father, my mother,I turn my back on every other lover,
and I Press on, yes I press on."
~Misty Edwards
